sms

Looking at that cell phone always making me down, I’d feel worse if I look the messages. The inbox is full of the message from his ex. And the sender’s still named “Sayaangku” means “my love”. We’ve been in the relationship for 3 months now. And he doesn’t change my name on his contact list. Am I jealous? I don’t know, but I must be stupid.

I love him much too much than I should’ve. This relationship began with lies as foundation anyway, so what can I expect? They are more than lover once, they’re best friends. So they still need each other even though they’re not together anymore.

I didn’t steal him, okay? He said he’s the one who wants me, and I didn’t know anything about his ex at that time. But still I have this feeling that I get him by hurting someone else. And it keeps haunting me.

I somehow know I can never be his lady. Someday we will say goodbye, we’re gonna go our own way. I will move on, I know I can do it cause I have to. I still have lots to do and to achieve. I will graduate and maybe I’ll be doing my internship abroad, (anyway I’m already abroad). I can’t let anybody destroy my future even though that person broke my heart.

Campus Life

Like any other college students, Monday isn’t my favorite day. I don’t hate Monday though. Monday is good if I want to forget something or just stay away from any annoying thoughts. Because Monday is simply… exhausting yet fun

You see, every Monday I have 5 long blocks of lectures (1 Block = 90 minutes), I have 15 minutes break between each blocks, most of the time the lectures are not located in the same building, so practically I spend the precious 15 minutes only to go to the next lecture, I can barely buy something to eat. Well, in the lunch break you’ve got to hurry to the canteen (we call it Mensa here in Germany) to avoid that lousy long line. Just try to imagine, queuing with noisy hungry stomach and a backpack full of books in windy  -5°C temperature, and a gray sky. Not a very pleasant thing to do everyday. But you can have a nice small talk with your classmate to forget the nasty winter weather. but personally most of the time we were just cursing the the weather or the long endless blocks ahead of us.

we finish all the class at 17:00, that means I have 3 hours before aerobics training. that’s right! sport exercise at night. we simply don’t have the time in the morning or in the afternoon, and I’m just too lazy to do anything on the weekend. It’s free facility from the ASTA (some kind of student association) so we have our own trainer.

I usually got home at 22:00 and can’t wait for a hot shower. I don’t have the energy to learn or to do anything else. Beside, I have to be at the campus before 8 am on the next day, so I just go to bed or go cuddling my boyfriend

Christmas Market

My boots got broken few days ago, so yesterday me and my roommate went to Bremen to look for a new pair. I waited for her until she finish her work at 5 pm. Then we went downtown. It was frigging cold but we decided to walk, because we like the Christmas atmosphere, the shops were all full, the passages were crowded, and the street was full of decoration.

after we had dinner, we checked a few shops, but I just haven’t found what I was looking for, so we went to Cathedral where the Christmas market was held. there were a lot of huts where people sold a lot of kind of food, most of them were Glühwein (special drink for Christmas), candies, sweets, fruits, toys, candles, you can find a lot of things for Christmas gift there.

because it was soooo crowded that we had difficulty to walk, we drop in a small English cafe, it was so small, we were lucky to get a place to sit, I ordered white chocolate, and a cheese cake, while my roommate had cappuccino, so we end up talking all the time, instead of finding a pair of new boots,

My Sister said…

jaman skrg jgn cari tampang, tapi cari hati,
org “tidak tampan” biasanya jaga hati,
orang tampan lebih sering makan ati hahahaha

Perfection

I cited it from bleach, and I find it cool

“The perfect being, was it?
There is no such thing as perfect in this world
That may sound cliche,
But it’s the truth
The average person admires perfection and seeks to obtain it
But what’s the point of achieving perfection?
There is none. Nothing. Not a single thing
I loathe perfection
If something is perfect, then there is nothing left
There is no room for imagination
No place left for a person to gain additional knowledge or abilities
Do you know what that means?
For scientist such as ourselves, perfection only brings despair
It is our job to create things more wonderful than anything before them, but never to obtain perfection
A scientist must be a person who finds ecstasy while suffering from that antinomy
In short, the moment that foolishness left your mouth and reached my ears, you had already lost”

That speech stimulates my curiosity about the meaning of “perfection”, So I did a little research

According to Wikipedia, Perfection is, broadly, a state of completeness and flawlessness.
while Oxford English dictionary states Perfections means the same as flawless

Aristotle introduced three meaning of perfection :
1. which is complete — which contains all the requisite parts;
2. which is so good that nothing of the kind could be better;
3. which has attained its purpose

anyway, a paradox about perfection has risen: the greatest perfection is imperfection
if the world were perfect, it could not improve and so would lack “true perfection,”
perfectio propter imperfectionem, Lucilio Vanini

perfection knows no flaws, perfection comprises no mistakes.

if someone is perfect, then s/he lacks negative characteristic, but if s/he lacks something, than you can call it perfect either. therefore, nobody is perfect.

forgetting someone doesn’t mean letting someone go

I’m not missing you, I just don’t like how this keeps bothering me

I thought it’s over but it’s not, coz it hasn’t even begun
I thought I left you, but I’m the one who is left
I thought I could let go, but I still can’t get you out of my mind
I always thought, but it seems that I was always wrong.

It’s once been told that you can erase someone from your mind, but getting them out of your heart is another story.
anyway I don’t want to forget you or any other things you’ve done to me
it might hurt but it’s just too precious
I want to thank you for showing me how it feels to be special
And I’d like to remember how your gentleness melted me

you know, our memories makes us who we are.
and even if you could replace your memory, You can never change the past.

I’m sorry I couldn’t find other way to save me without hurting you
I’m sorry for being that selfish right until the end
I’m really sorry I lied to you

March for Palestina

Today I participated in a peace demonstration against Israeli Invasion to Gaza strip. For me, it’s the first time to attend such occasion. I’d never come to any protest like that in my own country. But because it’s in Germany, and I believe it’s safe, so I dared to go.
It was really peace action, we carried candles, pocket lamps, torches, some even brought lampions. Then we marched from the Domsheide (in front of Bremen Cathedral) to Hauptbahnhof (Main Station)

Too bad it was raining. It’s freezing cold since it’s winter and the wind was pretty strong. However  a lot of people were there, many of them was women and children. Personally, I’d prefer to do the march when the sun still shines, because it’d be warmer. But of course it’d be ridiculous to carry the lamps in daylight. So I was kinda struggle to keep my candle burning. A little girl lighted my candle when it was blown by the wind, and at other times, I lighted it for other people. We shared light in that cold winter night, that was beautiful.

Another precious moment was when I heard someone read the Quran aloud. He read it so beautifully that I petrified for seconds. I haven’t heard such wonderful voice these days. And at the very moment, the cathedral bell rang, and it didn’t impair the man’s voice, and I thought, See? we could have lived peacefully together, even if we have different religion.

My Friend said, “It doesn’t bring us anywhere you know? It won’t solve the problem.”
I’m afraid he’s right, somehow I know the demonstration alone is not enough to bring peace to Gaza. But what else I could do? I just want them to know that we care. We’re just not sitting around and having fun. ( we do have fun though, but we care). My other friend told me, that we should do what we still can do and believe that every little things taking place now takes effects in the future, just like the butterfly effect. As long as they still struggling there, I won’t lose my hope and pray. Maybe someday I will be able to do significant things to help them.

Smile

“Is there anything possible at the moment that can make you laugh or smile?” I asked him this afternoon at the campus after Mechanics. Diana and I have been saying funny things -more like ridiculous things- for hours to make him feel better, but it didn’t work apparently.

After he heard my question, he turned toward me and smiled. Maybe he just tried to, maybe that wasn’t even a smile, maybe he was forced to smile, and I was the one who forced him to.

I didn’t dare to see him in the eyes, afraid to feel the pain he bears. but he smiled, and answered “Just sitting here beside you, already makes me smile”

“You don’t have to lie to me, you know?” I replied.

What a dangerous sentence are those. That line could harm someone even he never means to.

Anyway, I know his heart broken, stolen by one lively girl and she owns it. She’s the queen of his kingdom, and now she’s kinda rule his worlds.

Today I saw him hurt and broken, tore apart by an abstract power I’ve never been able to understand. I’ve never seen someone that badly damaged before.

freaky Friday

Last Friday, 28.11.2008 was one of the most wonderful days in this month. Like always, I went to the campus at the first block, that day I had 2 Electrical Engineering-Lecture in a row, can’t never get enough, Haha. We learned the Resistant Measurement using Wheatstone bridge.
At noon, I got home, did some cook, and had a lunch.

Then I went downtown with Shinta, my roommate. I asked her a favor to be my advisor in choosing a coat. She’s a really good advisor, really. We left home at 3, went to Mediterraneo and some other shops, and arrived home at 6.
Crap! I almost didn’t have time to dress up and go to the theater. So I put on my nice black-batik gown quickly, and again, Shinta helped me done my hair and make up, haha. Danke berat Shinta sayang.
Almost 7 O’clock, I had an appointment with a friend to meet up in front of the theater at 7, and I knew I’m not gonna make it on time. On the way, I found him running, and spontaneously called him. He said that he missed the bus, so we walked to the theater, since it’s not so far away.

So that night we saw ballet performance, titled Don Juan. It tells a story about an adventure of a Casanova . He even killed a “husband” of one of the women he loved in a sword duel and a  girl who really loves him, that bastard got her totally head over heal, she’s always there every times the boy is down, but he always runs after other girls, poor girl.  I really love the beginning. That was so awesome. However, it was quite boring in the first half of the show though, so I paid more attention to the orchestra not the dancer.  After the break, it’s getting interesting. The dancing was cool and the storyline was also fine -need a lot of imagination though, since they didn’t say a word, and just danced- I think it would be more fascinating if they had better costume. Generally speaking, that was an impressive show.

After the opera, we went to the campus, which is located just right beside the theater. There was a party for international students. It was 9.30 when I came in, and there was none I know, so we decided to go home.
I didn’t want to spend the rest of the night sitting in my room, in front of my computer, so I persuaded my roommates to go the party, but they weren’t in the mood to go there, so we came to the decision to play cards in a cafe. So at 11oo Hans, Shinta and I went to the Cafe nearby and play two or three rounds of Capsa.
Until suddenly one of my friends on the party called me, then another friend phoned me and told me that he was waiting for me. On our way to the campus we came across other friend and visited a pal that moved that day to Bremerhaven. About one o’clock we arrived at the party. In spite of the fact that we didn’t know most of the song played, we danced a lot. Our group was like made a circle and danced like crazy. My Polish friend taught me a dance the name I can’t remember anymore. That dance has a lot of spin, I mean a lot. I got dizzy not because of the drink -since I drank no alcohol- but because of the dance.
When the music changed, the polish guy said, “Okay let’s dance the American style!”, and everybody continued dancing. I looked my friends from the US, and think, “hmmm,,, Okay. Our dancing style is totally different from those American guys, we danced more like they did in the movie”
Movies cause a lot of wrong impression about USA, I think. The American guys looked having a great fun and being on the loose. It was entertaining and far from hot or alluring, not even close.

At 3 O’clock in the morning the party was over. It took us more than one hour to get home -normally you can walk the route between my house and the university in only 20 minutes- one of my friends was drunk. He was totally conscious actually, he answered our question right, and he could count right as well. But he became very funny and talked a lot. The problem was, we stopped every 10 meters and chatted. How ridiculous! But that was really fun.
When I was right in front of my front door, I just realized that I forgot my key at the room. My cell phone was run out of the battery. I tried a thousand times ringing the bell, but nobody opened the door, well, considering it was 4 in the morning. So I walked to the dormitory to a friend’s room to borrow his phone. Finally I could get home, but  I just couldn’t jump to my bed. It’s like a habit to me to read the emails I received that day. Then I got into a very interesting debate via yahoo messenger with a friend in Indonesia.
And finally at 6 I went to bed and think what a wonderful day I’ve just had.

Zero Ability

Ng,,, cape!

Cape jadi orang yg ga bisa apa-apa.
Emang siy, ga pernah ada yg bilang klo setiap manusia pasti punya satu bakat khusus.
Tapi berasa parah aja, klo diri ini bener-bener ga bisa ngapa-ngapain.
Mulai dari olah raga, badminton? ping pong? basket? tennis? volley? bisa aja ngga, padahal gw pingiiiin bgd bisa hanggar, nembak, panahan, tenis.
Tapi klo urusan olah raga beneran nothing d, lari aja bagi gw nyiksa. paling yg bisa gw nikmatin cuma renang.
Seni? nyanyi? I won’t ever let anybody hear me singing!
alat musik jg ga ada yg bisa gw mainin, sebenernya dari dulu pengeeen bgd bisa piano ataw biola.
Tapi palingan cuma bisa pianika sama suling, coz itupun pelajaran wajib disekolah, dapet nilai 7 ajah dah seneng.
Gambar jg ga bisa dibanggain, at least orang tau apa yg gw maksud, tapi klo dari nilai estetika? sayangnya ga ada.
Acting? Ha Ha ha, gw cuma bisa acting ketawa, krn klo disuruh acting apapun, jadinya pasti gw ketawa, menertawai kebodohan gw sendiri.
Nari? ngg, emang ga pernah ada niat bwd belajar siy.
Segi akademis jg ga da yg bisa dibanggain, standar2 aja, tapi segala puji bagi Tuhan semesta alam, gw slalu naik kelas, slalu lulus dgn nilai yg cukup bisa dibanggakan, dan slalu dapet sekolah yg emang gw mau. Masalahnya, kapasitas otak ini sangat terbatas, ga bisa inget segala hukum fisika ataw mathe untuk waktu lama.
Masak? gw bersyukur bgd d klo orang yg makan masakan gw ga masuk rumah sakit gara2 keracunan. Ok, kalimat barusan emang agak hiperbol, tapi emang selera masak gw itu beda, dan kayanya cuma gw aja yg suka. Sedih sekali.
Bahasa? ya Tuhan, gw dah 3 semester di jerman, bahasa gw masih amburadul gini, sekedar komunikasi si bisa, tapi masih blum fasih. Bahasa inggris jg dodol, baru beneran make ya 3 semester yg lalu jg. sbg pembantu bahasa jerman gw yg wkt itu parah bgd.
Emang siy semua itu bukan hanya butuh bakat, tapi jg butuh latihan, dan duit. Dan gw sadar, waktu gw kecil jg gw hampir ga punya kesempatan untuk belajar itu semua. Dan sekarang, di saat gw pengeeen bgd belajar semua itu, gw hampir ga punya waktu. sumpah cape bgd jadi orang yg ga bisa ngapa2in, yg cuma bisa bwd temen satu team sedih gara2 kalah teruz klo main. Tapi gw yakin kok ga ada kata terlambat bwd belajar, belajar apapun itu. Walopun mungkin umur gw skrg dah susah untuk nyerap ilmu yg seharusnya dipelajarin wkt masih kecil, klo gw punya niat, pasti gw bisa! Harus bisa!